Freddy Krueger's Christmas

This is an outline for a movie that I want to make someday. Just because I'm posting it on my blog, it doesn't mean you can steal it and make it before I do. It's late, though, and I'm tired, so it probably doesn't make much sense anyway.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints presents
Freddy Krueger's Christmas
featuring The Mormon Tabernacle Choir

Freddy Krueger is a reformed child murderer who lives in the basement boiler room of a large apartment building in downtown Salt Lake. It is Christmas Eve, and Freddy walks around town, taking in the sights and sounds of the season. This includes fantasizing while peeking in the window of a sweater store (which has a beautiful red and green striped Christmas sweater) and buying a Christmas tree. Freddy struggles to control his urges when he sees a family with young children at the tree lot.

Freddy returns to his boiler room where he sets up his pathetic tree, feeds his cat, George, and then gazes at a picture of his dead wife. Dead-wife gazing requires music, and the most logical choice for the occasion is the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. He puts on a record and immediately starts fantasizing about conducting the choir. He has a glove with four razors on his hand, and it works surprisingly well for choral conducting. The choir sings "Sleigh Ride", making sure to bowdlerize the word "coffee", replacing it with "cider."

Freddy drifts off to sleep, but is awakened by the sound of a group of carolers outside his window. He pounds on the window to get their attention. The leader of the carolers is an older woman who remembers Freddy from his days as a child murderer. She tries to ignore him, but his attempt at attention increases as he opens the window. She finally comes to his window and pretends she doesn't know who he is. He invites them in, and having been overcome by the spirit of the season (not to mention their belief in repentence) the carolers accept his offer.

Freddy fantasizes about having a wonderful house for the carolers to visit, and when he realizes his place is a dump, he starts to lose his temper. He picks up George and shakes him a little too violently, killing him. He stashes the body under the table on which he displays his cheap creche. The carolers arrive, and for the first time, Freddy notices a young girl, Clarissa, in the group. The urge to kill rises.

The carolers explain that they can't stay long, and Clarissa approaches the creche. Freddy starts to sweat, fearing she has found him out. She takes off her mittens, picks up the baby Jesus and plays with it for a moment. She KNOWS. She has to die. Her mother grabs her and the carolers leave. Freddy begs them to stay with the promise of hearing a new Christmas album. They don't buy it. They leave, and Freddy tries to figure out a way to get Clarissa.

Feeling even more lonely than before, Freddy pulls out George's body and starts talking to it as if it were still alive. He places George under the tree as he decorates it and starts to fantasize again. This time, Clarissa is part of his fantasies. There are also some creepy dancers, who steal Clarissa and run away with her. Freddy wakes up more determined than ever to get Clarissa before anyone can take her away. Then, he sees her mittens. He hangs them on the tree. Realizing that she'll be back to get them, he sits and waits.

(Out of respect for the Baby Jesus, the scene where Krueger imagines himself in the creche will not be included in this retelling.)

The carolers arrive outside the building, and Clarissa comes to Freddy's door with her mother. Freddy eagerly lets them in, and motions to the tree. Clarissa goes to get her mittens, as Freddy goes for her mother. In one quick motion, his claws glide across her neck. The blood flows all over the entryway to the boiler room. Clarissa notices George and comments that he looks like he's sleeping. She pets the cat, and when he doesn't move, she realizes something is off. In a glass ball on the tree, she sees the reflection of Freddy dragging her mother's body toward a boiler.

There is a knock at the door. Clarissa screams "Help!" The door flies open, and one of the other carolers runs in, slipping on the blood. Freddy acts quick. He grabs a strand of Christmas lights (they should be plugged in for effect) and leaps on the man. He strangles himto death with the lights, but not before exclaiming "Thought I'd shed a little light on the situation!"

Then Freddy makes a dash for Clarissa. She tosses George at Freddy to slow him down, and George is impaled on Freddy's claws. As Freddy tries to shake the cat from his hand, Clarissa runs to the window, screaming. The rest of the carolers run toward the building. Freddy calls Clarissa an inappropriate name (possibly a pun on "Ho ho ho"), and then bolts the door shut and cuts the phone cord. Conveniently, we now realize that the boiler room is much bigger than we originally thought, and Clarissa runs to hide. A chase ensues, which goes on for a while, and includes lots of bad puns.

Meanwhile, the carolers have broken down the door, and one tries to call 911 only to find the phone doesn't work. (Remember, they listen to records. Cellphones are a thing of the future.) The carolers run into the maze of a boiler room. One by one, Freddy kills them all in the following ways and with the following bad jokes:

Candy cane through eye: "Guess you won't be seeing sugarplums no more!"
Christmas tree through heart, lights electrocute victim: "I always did like shockin' around the Christmas tree!"
Carved Santa figure crammed down throat: "RIGHT down Santa Claus Lane!"
Red ornament ball jammed up nose: "Won't you guide my SLAY tonight?!?!"

This leaves only the older woman and Clarissa, who have found each other. They run back to the main part of the room, and hide beneath the table with the creche on it. Freddy shows up and notices Clarissa's mittens poking out from under the table. He moves toward it and then HA! I tricked you! Freddy imagines himself in the creche. He suddenly realizes what he's doing, and starts to cry. Clarissa climbs out from under the table and hugs his legs. He sobs uncontrollably until the older woman climbs out and asks him if he would like to sing bass in their choir. He grabs his coat, and the three go off into the night, singing songs of peace on Earth and good will toward men. And then Freddy kills them both.

God bless us, every one!


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Note to self: no matter how clever you think an idea is when you're exhausted after a week of finals, it is not always worth a blog. However, if you waste time writing it, you might as well post it.