The REAL Slim Shady

Sometimes, I find high quality vocal tracks of popular songs on the internet.

Sometimes, I have funny ideas of how to make new accompaniments for them.

Sometimes, I have some free time, and I do it.

The only way I could figure out to share it on my blog was making it into a video. Oh, and be warned. It's the edited cut, but it's still highly offensive. God bless Eminem. At least the new orchestration makes him a little more classy.

I’m a Good Man, Too, Charlie Brown!

You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown played its entire run this week. We moved into the Covey Center on Monday for an afternoon/evening dress/tech rehearsal, and then had performances every night from Tuesday-Friday, and morning performances on Tuesday and Friday for schools.

The kids did an awesome job, and I was very proud of them. I was grateful to the friends/family who came to support the show, too: Trash Ball, Ashley, Matt, Heidi C., Mom, Mike, Lori, Kaylee, Braden, Jason, Alyssa, Eric, Elijah, Nicholas, Zach, Teri, Quincy, Bristol, Madi, Melinda, Skylar, and Lindsay. (Those are all of the ones that I know were there because I invited them. I think. I hope I didn’t forget someone…)

Here are some things that I want to make sure I remember about the show:

• I loved my tracks. I don’t care if I go to Hell for being prideful, but I LOVED them. I love how real my new instrument patches sounded in places. The patches kind of ruined my concept of jazz combo with toy instruments, because the “toy instruments” ended up sounding too realistic in spots, but I don’t care. I loved my tracks. I want to do the show again right now just to use them. (Eh, Amesily?)
• I had fun with sound effects again. Best prank: demonic voice calling for Linus during “My Blanket and Me”. (It’s surprising how little I doctored my voice…) Runner-up: Charlie Brown’s loud, juicy, echo-y fart at the beginning of the show.
• Best non-sound effect prank: replacing the Little Red-Haired Girl when Charlie Brown had a bag over his head. When he pulled it off and saw me, I thought he was going to die of embarrassment. Good thing we caught it on tape for the backstage DVD!!! (The sound effect gags should be on the DVD, too.)
• One day at rehearsal, I got to play with a Wooly Willy for the first time ever. I made a Wooly Don King, a Sick Willy, and a Wooly Adolf. It was fun!
• Load-in day was actually pretty painless. Of course, my allergies flared up MAJORLY that morning, so I got there after the bulk of the work was done. I got to have fun with Lauren and Nick, and we watched fun Charlie Brown videos on my iPod. (“Say hello to the Kite-Eating Tree, you son of a….!”)
• The motto of our show (in-joke I started among staff) was “Keep It Straight”. If you saw the show, you might know what I’m talking about. If not, your loss!
• Sally saying “Betch” instead of “Bench”. “You’d be a great betch manager! You could say ‘Betch do this’ and ‘betch do that!’”
• Lucy saying “slut” instead of “slot”.
• Schroeder telling Lucy that she’s a “very crappy person” instead of “crabby.” Wow. Our kids had MAJOR diction problems. I won’t even tell you what it sounded like when Rerun first told Snoopy to fetch “this stick”…
• The parents!!! It’s funny that out of 65 kids, only the parents of 3 can have issues, and yet it means our program is awful, or else we have it out for their kids. Best parent moments:
• When one was totally yelling at one of the producers (do NOT mess with my ladies!), and she stormed off because she KNEW she was in the wrong, I blurted out “I LOVE being a grown-up!” and clapped my hands like a cymbal over my head.
• When a couple of families were angry closing night over something (that was their OWN kid’s decision) and they got up and marched out with their entire families in the middle of the show. *overhead hand clap!*
• I’ve NEVER had a youth theatre cast that got along so well. As far as I know, there were no problems with kids getting along. In fact, closing night, the kids were all BAWLING. It was hysterical. They were horrified that they weren’t going to see each other on a regular basis anymore. Well, at least until fall. I suppose it’s pretty sad for the three kids whose parents have seen how horrible our program is, and won’t be coming back. I pity those kids a little. Their parents are keeping them from reaching their potential. Oh, well. Back to the bawling: I got to the point where I would walk up to kids and pretend to be mad and tell them to knock it off or I was going to get them. That fixed it for some. To others, I told jokes. I also pretended to bawl to show some of them how ridiculous they were being, and I freaked one little girl out and made her think she had made me cry. Oops. Oh, well. She stopped crying. (Before you think I’m too much of a jerk, some of the parents were threatening to punish their kids if they didn’t knock it off. The bawling was THAT bad.)

There were many more good things about the show, but this is all I can think of right now. I may come back and add some more.

This very well could have been the last show ever for me with CSYP, and it was a near-perfect experience. It would be nice to come back (and I hope I can), but if not, what a way to go! If the kids cry when they find out I really might be leaving, I’ll probably bawl, too. Just to be safe, would you mind texting me Wednesday afternoon and telling me to knock it off? Or telling me jokes? Thanks.

PS – PICTURES!!!

My Funny Prank

My good friend, Daniel, has a problem with phones. He keeps losing them. When this happens, he loses all of his contacts.

During Kiss Me, Kate, which Daniel stage managed, this happened. He accidentally got my number mixed up with a semi-closeted gay guy who was MAJORLY in love with him. We'll call that gay guy "Rod." There were some AWESOME mix-ups during KMK involving Daniel thinking that I was Rod and Rod was me.

Here we are a few months later, and Daniel has done it again (twice, I think, actually). So, during tech/Hell day for Ah, Wilderness! I decided to have some fun. I got Daniel's fiancée, Liz, involved. I texted Daniel and started flirting with him. Right from the get-go, I was hoping he'd think I was Rod. He thought I was someone else that was a friend of his, so he played along. After a little while, he tried to call me. I didn't want it to go to voicemail, so I answered and hung up. What I didn't take into consideration was that Daniel knew my caller tune. So, he approached me and said that somebody had been texting him and oddly enough, they had the same caller tune. My response: "Oh, yeah? My EQ President has that on his phone too, and every time we call each other, we laugh about it." With that simple statement (which is true), Daniel was off my trail.

I texted him off and on all day Saturday and then again on Sunday afternoon. He tried to call me again a few times and I did the same answering and hanging up trick. On Tuesday night, I started texting him again and this time, I would send him messages from my pocket so he would get them while I was standing there. Liz and I were having a blast screwing with him. However, over the course of that night, he was starting to take it too seriously, so I decided to start to let him down gently. While John was giving notes, Daniel was sitting by me (and actually resting his head on my knee at some points). I kept sending texts when he was right there. They didn't go through, though, so that plan failed.

On the drive home, Daniel texted and said "Why do you hang up every time I call you?" So, I immediately called him. I figured that if I talked to him, he'd figure it out. I disguised my voice to sound like an upset girl, and he TOTALLY fell for it. I talked to him for a minute or so and then hung up on him. He texted me later and asked if I was sure I knew who he was, and I responded with his full name. Liz told me the next night that seeing his name in the text REALLY freaked him out.

So, Wednesday night, I let Liz know that by the end of the night, I was going to let him know it was me. She agreed that was best, but we decided to have as much fun as we could in the meantime. Daniel told me all about the phone call (which, btw, one of my favorite parts of this whole prank was getting to hear everything from Daniel's point of view, and having to act like I didn't already know it). I told him that it had gone on too long and I was getting involved. So, I started texting myself, and I'd show Daniel my texts so he could see that it was coming from my number. I brought up Rod, and told Daniel that it sounds like something he'd do. He even agreed that the girl on the phone sounded like she could have possibly been a guy pretending to be a girl.

Through my texts, we established that the person who was texting him knew Liz and me as well. They also knew that Daniel and Liz were engaged, and Jeremy is a dick. Daniel was freaking out and had a theory that it was a girl in the department, and he was certain that Wes would know her number, so during intermission he was going to ask Wes. The problem was, Wes has MY number, too, so the joke would end there. Liz and I had been going too long to let Wes be the one to ruin it. I said I would text Becca and ask her if that was that girl's number. I texted Becca and asked her to send me a text that just said "No. Not her." She did, and on my way to tell Daniel, I accidentally deleted it. I told Daniel about it, though, and he believed me. Phew. He didn't ask Wes. Daniel was now fully convinced that it was Rod.

During the second act, I started texting him like crazy, and he got REALLY serious. He started apologizing profusely for not remembering my number and for screwing around. He explained that he thought I was just a friend screwing with him. I responded "Maybe I am, and maybe I am." He didn't catch it, though. He apologized again, and I sent him a text that said "The next time I see you, you can give me a hug. And I'll squeeze your butt."

He didn't respond. Liz went over to see what was unfolding, and I waited a couple minutes and did the same. Liz had just left, and Daniel got really excited with me and said "Liz knows who it is!" I asked how he knew, and he said, I kid you not: "She just lied to me and said she didn't. I can tell when she's lying." Hmm…

I put my arms around Daniel, and he hugged back. Then, with both hands, I grabbed his butt. He didn't catch on. He just said "What are you doing?" So, I did it again. He pulled away and said "YOU KNOW!" (The whole situation was very Friends. Think Chandler and Phoebe in The One Where Everybody Finds Out.)

I said that I did know, and he asked who it was. I smiled, but he still didn't get it. He told me that Liz wouldn't tell him either, and reminded me that he KNOWS when she's lying. Here's the gist of the dialogue that happened next:

Me: Are you sure you know when she's lying?
Daniel: Yes!
Me: Because what if she's been lying to you all along?
Daniel:…I think she has been!
Me: So, the question is – who is a better liar? Me or Liz?
Daniel: YOU KNOW! Who is it?!

I waited a second, then put my arm around him, leaned in toward his ear, and in my girly phone voice, I said "We're talking now. Are you happy?"

Daniel FREAKED – but in a good way. He was laughing. He immediately said "Were you just texting yourself tonight?! You called yourself a dick!!!"

I filled him in on everything. Then I asked him why he didn't catch on when I grabbed his butt. He never got that text! Stupid reception in the concrete jungle of UVSC.

I ran down the hall laughing, and had to fill Liz in. Some of the other cast were onto what was going on, so I had to tell them all about it, too. I followed Liz to talk to Daniel, and he looked like he wanted to die. He told her he could never trust her again, but then he admitted that if I wanted to play the same trick on her, he would have gone along with that. I left them alone and then told the whole story two more times to other cast members, because by now, almost everyone had heard about it. They were all teasing Daniel, and it was great.

During notes, I sat by Daniel, and he seemed cool about everything. He was his usual cuddly self. (Sometimes, I don't realize how gay Daniel and I seem until I put it down in writing. Hmm.) Then afterward, everyone else started grabbing his butt, because they didn't want to feel left out. Hehehe.

So, the moral of the story? Liz and I are much better actors than Daniel gave us credit for. You hear that, UVSC?! I CAN ACT! Suck on that, theatre department. J

Harry Potter Fun

(The following is taken from my Facebook note, but I want a record of it on my regular blog, because I'm THAT nerdy.)

WARNING! This note contains spoilers about the end of Book 6. If you do not want to find out the big secret surprise ending, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER!!!!





Last night, Teri, Quincy, Julie & her niece Ally, and I went to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I loved it. Not as good as the third movie, but better than the others.

I was REALLY funny, too, and my genius was so profound that it MUST be shared on Facebook. :)

When we were getting to the theater, the sneak preview was letting out and people were filing down the escalator as we were going up. Some guy was loudly explaining to his significant other "So then Snape betrayed Dumbledore and Dumbledore died..."

I was passing him at that exact moment and screamed "WHAT?!?!?!" Then Teri pulled a sad face, and I had one of absolute horror. The guy made eye contact with me and kind of smiled uncomfortably, as though to say "Very funny. You knew that." Then, he slowly realized that I was in fact NOT joking (even though I was). His look of horror almost matched mine. Then he stepped off the bottom of the escalator, and we all ran to the edge of the top level just in time to see his woman start to lay into him about saying that out loud in public. I almost felt bad, but it was way too funny.

My next funny moment happened when we were in the theater waiting for the movie to start. One of the theater employees came in and said "I want to remind everyone that this theater is reserved seating. Everyone please pull out your tickets and check to make sure that you are in the correct row and seat number."

I thought I was HYSTERICAL when I said "Seat 9 and 3/4? Anybody for seat 9 and 3/4?!" Everybody around me burst out laughing. Then the row of girls in front of me turned around and complimented me several times on how funny that was.

(The next time the employee came in, some other guy who was sitting just down from me TOTALLY stole my joke and yelled it out as loud as he could. The whole theater lost it, and then Teri, Quincy and I gasped and the girls in front of us screamed "HEY! You stole that guy's joke!" and "That joke is old!" and "Joke stealer!")

There were other funny things said (mainly involving a dirty t-shirt that said "Show me your patronus," but those were the ones that I was directly responsible for.

Sometimes I crack myself up, which REALLY comes in handy when nobody else is laughing...

The BEST Telemarketing Phone Conversation EVER!!!

Tonight, I had the privilege to visit with my friend, Jann, who I haven't seen in MONTHS. While I was at her house, I had the most fun experience I've had in ages, and I have to share.

When we were busy catching up, the phone rang. Jann told me I could answer it in a goofy manner, because we thought it was a certain person calling. So, I answered it. It was a telemarketing survey. Right away, I decided to have fun with the girl, but in a nice, "fun for everybody" kind of way. So, in somewhat chronological order (as best as I can remember) here are some funny (and some not-as-funny) parts of our conversation. It's not the best writing ever, but I'm just doing it to document events. I told Jann to read this and respond if she remembered something that I didn't. Feel free, Lilyflower! By the way, the story is probably funnier if you imagine me actually saying these things in my most excited tone EVER!

*When she asked me to tell her what age category I fit into, I made her repeat all of the selections a second time. Then, I said "Which was the one that had 'twenty-something?'" She responded "18 to 24; and 25 to 34" to which I said "Oh. What's the next one?" She said "35 to 45," and I said "THAT ONE!"

*She told me that the survey was about using the computer to shop online (I'm pretty sure it was research for eBay), and right after she started she said "Oh, I'm sorry. Hold on, please. My computer's giving me problems," to which I responded "Wow! Your computer's giving you problems while giving a survey about using the computer online? How ironic!"

*She asked me what websites I've ever heard of that you can shop on, and I said "Oh! That one that has commercials on the TV with William Shatner!" She said she didn't know that one, and I said "You know! William Shatner!"

*She asked if I'd ever heard of eBay, and I said "Yeah! They do the TV commercials with the eBay song. You know, 'Get it on eBay.'" Yes. I actually sung it. She said "Yeah, that's eBay."

*At one point, she asked me to imagine that eBay and walmart.com were people and I was talking to them. I started laughing hysterically, and said "That's CRAZY!" in my best Brian Fellow impression. She laughed, too, and said "Yeah. This IS a weird question." Then, after she listened to me laugh for a good 20-30 seconds, I said "Okay. I'm sorry." And then she said "Okay. So imagine the websites are talking to you..." and I laughed again, but not for as long.

*She asked me at one point if I had found interesting things to buy on eBay and I said "OOH! One time, a friend sent me a link to a rag that had Britney Spears' sweat on it!" She laughed and said "Ew! That's gross! Weird!" and I said "I bid on it. That doesn't make me a bad person does it?" She assured me it didn't and I said "I just wanted to frame it and put it in my front room as a nice conversation piece. I thought it would be a GREAT conversation piece." She said "I'm sure that would evoke A LOT of conversation."

*She asked me if I would describe eBay as friendly and I said "Not really. Some people outbid me just to make me mad." She said "Yeah! I know what you mean, and I hate it! One time, I was bidding on this really great comforter that I REALLY wanted, and I got outbid. I was SO mad!" I gasped and said "Did Britney sleep on it?!" She laughed and said no. And then a minute later, her computer stalled again, and to kill time, she asked me what other crazy Britney things I had found on eBay. I told her "I don't really remember any other than the sweat rag, but some of them are just weird! She's hot, though. Her husband's kind of gross, though."

*When she asked if I had seen or heard any eBay advertisements, I got really excited and said "Yeah! The eBay commercials with the eBay song!" And I sang the chorus again. She said "Great!" but instead of letting her move on to the next question, I said "You know, that's actually an old Frank Sinatra song, only it was called 'My Way' and it said 'I did it my way!' And they changed it to 'Get it on eBay!'" She actually sounded interested and said "REALLY?! I actually didn't know that!" To which I responded "Yeah. And Celine Dion covered it, too." "Really?!" "Yeah. But she sang the original version, not the eBay version." She laughed.

*She asked me if I had heard of a random list of websites. "rent.com" "rant.com?!" "No, rent.com. Like the movie." I gasped, "LIKE THE MUSICAL?!" She said "Yeah. I love that movie." And I burst out into "Five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes...." She laughed and said "I cried at that movie." I said "Oh, my gosh! The funeral scene?!" And she got excited and said "Yes!" I said "Jesse L. Martin is a freaking genius." "Yes! So, have you ever heard of 'rent.com?'" "No. Does it have stuff about the movie?" "I don't know." "Okay. Well, I'm going to go there now and see if there's stuff about the movie. I want you to know that if there's not, I'm holding you personally responsible." She laughed. (It's nothing about the movie. It's an eBay site with housing rental information.)

*When she was finishing up the survey, she thanked me for my time and I said "You know what? I'm going to watch Rent now. You've inspired me!" She said "I wish I could watch Rent right now!" I said "You're probably not close enough that you can just come over and watch it with us." She laughed and agreed, and then I burst out singing "With a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you..." in my BEST Jesse L. Martin impression. She laughed and thanked me again.

So, tonight, I hope the telemarketing girl had HALF as much fun as I did. Jann seemed to enjoy it quite a bit, too. I'm sure I've forgotten half of it already, but oh, well. Sometimes, I'm a spaz, and I LOVE IT!!!

PS- I really could give a rat's butt about Britney Spears. I mean she's a nice girl and all, well, she's a girl anyway...

PPS- For anybody worrying about my honesty, the only question I didn't answer honestly was the age question, but I answered it honestly for the homeowner of the place they called, so technically, I didn't lie!

EDIT #1
I remembered something else!!!! She kept asking me questions and then when I'd say something like "Maybe" or "somewhat" she'd say "Yes or no only, please." After two questions in a row like that, on the third she asked another and I said "Purple!" She was quiet for a second and said "Purple?" and I said "HA! I'm just kidding. Yes."

EDIT #2
When she asked me what my favorite website was, I said "Um....I'm uncomfortable sharing that information." She was quiet for a minute and said "...okay..." Then I said "Ooh! Ooh! Can I tell you my SECOND favorite?!"

EDIT #3
When we were talking about eBay at some point relatively early on in the conversation, she asked what I knew about selling things on eBay. I got really excited and said "OH! I saw a movie once where a lady had a store where you could take her all your stuff and she'd sell it on eBay." She didn't laugh and obviously didn't get the reference. Sheesh! Some people...