Situation Comedy

The script for The Monkey's Paw is REALLY old, and it's probably taken from a copy of a copy of a copy. The print is INCREDIBLY hard to read.

Since the script is now technically in the public domain, and it's actually royalty-free (meaning we can perform it as many times as we want and never have to pay a penny to the publisher), I don't feel bad about retyping it. Over the weekend, I've been doing just that. It's been a MASSIVE pain in the butt, because it's A) so hard to read, and B) so full of stage directions. I thought about cutting out all the stage directions, but I figure this script should benefit others at some point, so I left it intact.

Also, since the script is public domain, I have no qualms with rewriting portions of it. For instance, I added a new character, and I'm changing one character into a female.

Tonight, as I was finishing up the last few pages of the script, one of my favorite people, Sarah, logged into Facebook (which I always keep open in one window while I'm working on things). I started talking to her about how much her Valentine's blog sickened me (in a good way, I suppose) and then she was asking me what I planned to do when I graduate. Together, we brainstormed what I'm pretty sure is the greatest post-graduation plan possible. Coincidentally, it's an outline for the first season of our real-life sitcom. Here it is in treatment form:

After graduation, I'm not able to find a job. Sarah and her husband, Robbie, take pity on me and invite me to live with them in Chicago. It's a Mormon Three's Company, but with only one girl and two men. We start an improv theatre company below our apartment, and that opens us up to many comedic possibilities. Since I'm a theatre teacher in a place outside of Utah, I adapt some mannerisms like Corky St. Clair and Mr. G., and that opens us up to storylines involving mixups and an eternal love triangle between the three of us in the apartment.

Always the crazy sidekick, Trash Ball is there, too. Since our apartment is crowded as it is, Trash has to live on another floor. She also works in a McDonald's, where we all hang out, since we're Mormon and can't hang out at a coffee house or bar, like normal sitcom people.

During sweeps, many crazy things happen which culminate in a very special episode. First, Sarah develops a pill addiction due to her hours of prep for working with her hood-rat students. This causes her to start spending less time working in the theatre. I'm very upset over this, and she and I have a yelling match about where her priorities need to be. Robbie begins to feel the strain, and his eyes start to wander to one of the performers at our improv theatre, special guest star, Miley Cyrus (It's Miley!) in a sweeps arc. (She'll be 18 by then, I'm pretty sure, so Robbie won't be TOTALLY pervy.)

With their marriage in danger and stress levels at an all-time high, I call Trash in a panic when I discover a lump where I should NOT have lumps. Trash frantically leaves McDonald's to be with me, and gets in a near-fatal car accident. Luckily, the clinic where I'm having my lump checked happens to be in the hospital to which Trash is taken.

Meanwhile, back at the theatre, Robbie and Sarah have accidentally wandered onto the stage in the midst of a huge fight over Miley. A performance is going on, and so the other performers have to play along and make it part of the scene. It's a smash success, and makes for some of the funniest moments of the entire first season. Also, a famous talent scout happens to be in the audience, and sends a note to Miley that he wants her to set up an appointment to meet with him and possibly move to Hollywood to become a star.

I call Robbie and Sarah, and the two leave the theatre to be with us. However, tensions are still high, and Robbie storms out of the hospital, planning to leave Sarah for Miley. Trash has a MIRACULOUS recovery, and within days, she is back to work at McDonald's.

Just like a good comedic sidekick, Trash hatches a plan to get Robbie and Sarah back together. Miley goes to meet with her talent scout, who is actually me, in REALLY good prosthetics and with a ridiculous New York accent. Meanwhile, Trash calls Robbie and Sarah individually and tells them both that she's having Post Traumatic Stress while she's working at McDonald's. They rush to be there with her.

The real talent scout, special guest star Steve Martin, gets fed up waiting for Miley to show, and he gets on a plane and goes back to NYC. At a fake meeting location, I convince Miley that she is bound for stardom, but only if she ends her relationship with Robbie, due to the bad publicity. She texts him on the spot, dumping him. I then send her on her way, after telling her to move to NYC and that my agency will contact her when she's there.

Meanwhile, back at McDonald's, Robbie and Sarah find police tape on the door, and a note in Trash's handwriting that says the place is under quarantine. Knowing Trash is up to her normal tricks, they both go inside. Robbie receives Miley's break-up text at the same time that Sarah finds a booth with candles, flowers, and a tray of Egg McMuffins. The two of them find a note from Trash telling them to sit down and eat OR ELSE. The two begin talking and reminiscing, as Trash watches from the kitchen. Suddenly, I come bursting through the door with the news that that my lump wasn't cancerous. Realizing that life is too short, Robbie and Sarah reconcile. Trash is nowhere to be found.

Cut to the sidewalk in front of Miley's apartment. Miley has all of her luggage packed and ready to go to NYC. She starts to cross the street to get to the bus stop, when Trash Ball tears around the corner in her car, hitting Miley and most likely killing her.

Other ideas:

• Alf plays the doctor taking care of Trash
• Kristen Wiig plays the doctor who checks my lump
• Kelly Clarkson is the wise, romantic singer with a regular gig at McDonald's
• Bob Newhart has a recurring role as my biological grandfather who just HAPPENS to live in Chicago
• I find a bottle with a sexy genie in it
  
• Leonardo DiCaprio also moves into the apartment because he is one of Sarah's students with a rough home life
• Trash Ball is secretly a witch
  
• While on vacation in Hawaii, Robbie is waterskiing and jumps over a shark

Sidenote. After coming up with this outline, Sarah and I decided on an even better plan for my life. Drop out of school now, and start a sitcom-writing career together. We can dream, can't we?

By the way, did you notice that I started this blog out by making you think it was about one topic, when it turned out to be about something completely different? CLASSIC sitcom! HA!

Here's some (mostly) sitcom music for your enjoyment.