Letters

Dear IRS,

I had to pay less than I ever have this year. That was nice. I hope you enjoyed my check with The Flash on it.

Sincerely,

Jeremy

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Dear Utah State Tax Commission,

I had to pay more than I EVER have to you this year. Literally 10 times more than last year. I hate you. I hope you got the message I was sending with the Wonder Woman check.

Hatefully yours,

Jeremy

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Dear Former Students,

I give up. I don’t know how to make you care. I don’t understand how you can claim to be “drama nerds” and yet you don’t give a flying #$%* about your work. Granted, there are a handful of you who really do care, and it shows. I helped you get to state, but I can’t hold your hand and drag you any longer. I officially don’t care any more. Even if your show IS kick-@$$. I will come to see the show on Friday, but I refuse to spend two hours on a bus with you. Especially after the shrewish girls were so rude and disrespectful to me and left while I was trying to give notes tonight. Also the kid who keeps forgetting things snapped at me when I asked him if he had placed all of his props and was ready to go on, and then walked on WITHOUT THE EFFING MONKEY’S PAW because he “forgot” to get it. The show is now officially called The Empty Hand. I hope you do well at state, even though I know full-well that you won’t learn any lesson about teamwork and investing in your work.

With next-to-no-love,

Mr. Showgren

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Dear Future Students,

Heads up: if you don’t care about our shows, I won’t either. I will cancel them, punks! PLEASE don’t make me get to that point. I haven’t met you yet, but I believe in you!

Cordially,

Mr. Showgren

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Dear Makers of the Movie Airplane!

Thank you. Thank you SO much. I’m probably going to stay up WAY too late tonight watching your product, and it is much needed.

Seriously,

Shirley

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Dear Career Services Department,

Thank you so much for the scolding form letter (for which you graciously took the time to add my name to the Word document) about how I missed an appointment for an interview. I’m so glad you recommended that I write a letter of apology to the interviewer, because I didn’t already think to do that on my own. Nor did I send it a week ago, right after I found out that you hadn’t canceled my appointment per my request. Thank you for that! At least if I had been smart enough to send a letter on my own, I also would have been smart enough to point out that it was YOUR fault I missed the appointment. If it messes up my chances of getting hired in either district for which you’ve now messed up my cancelations, I will be sure to send you a scolding form letter. I may go the extra mile, though, and save the letter as a more personal pdf, and not just a doc.

Sod off,

Jeremy

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Dear Amazon,

I’m getting antsy waiting for my Doubt and The Spirit blu-rays. I’m also getting antsy waiting for my Pride and Prejudice and Zombies book. I ordered all of these weeks ago. I understand that you can’t ship them until they’re released, but they’ve all been released now. Also, I got a shipping notice for Doubt over a week ago. Why isn’t it here yet? I’m sending Sister Aloysious after you.

Impatiently,

Jeremy

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Dear Charlie Brown Cast,

Keep up the good work. You’re making progress. Make the progress FASTER now, please. Also brace yourself: tomorrow is the annual “Jeremy has fun with sound effects on the track” day.

Happily,

Jeremy

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Dear Disneyland,

See you in a month and a half!

Excitedly yours,

Jeremy

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Dear Blog Readers,

I’m sorry you had to slug through all of that. Today really sucked, and I had to get it out somewhere. Thanks for indulging me.

Love,

Jeremy