What To REALLY Expect When You're Expecting

We're officially due on February 12, but there have been lots of signs that our baby girl will be here any day now. We're trying to hold out as long as possible, even though we're both ready to be done being pregnant. Yes, we. Both.

It's been fascinating to me to observe a pregnancy this close. I've had pregnant sisters, sisters-in-law, best friends, etc., but I've never been able to be this involved in one. Which is good, because I don't know that I would have wanted to see my wife go through it, had I known how awful it can be.

It's also been fascinating to see how many men know next to nothing about pregnancy, despite having fathered multiple children. Is that a cultural thing? I know that males in Utah are typically behind the times in a lot of areas having to do with family, so that wouldn't be a shock. Whenever I've been to doctor appointments (which has been every single one, except the one where Lauren set up the billing, and one when I was on a business trip), it seems like all the other pregnant women I've seen there have been alone. Am I the only supportive husband/future father in the world? If so, that disappoints me. I can't imagine watching someone go through this alone, because it SUCKS.

When we first got pregnant, Teri gave us her old copy of What To Expect When You're Expecting, which was helpful - to a point. I learned a lot of things by reading the book every week early on, finding out what new surprises were lurking around the corner, and prepping myself for things that were WAY off in the future, like delivery. (Remember how that used to seem so far away?)

As helpful and informative as it was, the book still didn't prep us for everything. Here are some of the many things we've learned on our own, that I wish every couple knew going into pregnancy. I might go back and add some more things as I remember them. And if you have anything to share about your experiences, please do in the comments!

(Disclaimer: if you read my blog, you're most likely not guilty of any of the rants that follow. People who read my blog are typically close enough to me that if they DO do any of the following, I don't care.)

Will I have any personal space over the next 9 months?
Many people we've seen recently, but mostly women: "You're having a baby?! Congratulations! That means I get to touch you every time I see you for the next several months! I won’t bother you by asking. I’ll just start jabbing at your midsection while somebody is jabbing you from the inside. And it’ll probably tick her off by invading her personal space, and she’ll jab more and harder. Oh, and your hair is looking SO GOOD because of your prenatal vitamins! I’ll go ahead and touch that, too, and again, I won’t bother to ask. And in fact, I’ll make snide comments about people who are weird about letting me touch their hair.”

More strangers have touched my wife in the last 8 1/2 months than have ever touched me in my life. And you never know where their hands have been...

Some people take this a step further, and inform you that they'll be taking the baby off your hands after it's born, too. These are the people who will actually never be allowed to touch your baby, and they probably go to Chuck E. Cheese in their free time to try and claim token prizes and/or lost children.

Will anybody share any good advice with me? Will there be any kind of filter on information they share or things they tell me to do?
Listen, I know that I share a lot of useless information. I know that I always have an opinion, and it's more correct than yours (unless it's about Les Mis, because of course, my opinions there are still wrong). I know that I will volunteer said information and opinions until I'm blue in the face.

Here's what I don't know, though. Your body. Your pregnancy. Your health history.

Because I don't know those things, I'm not going to share information for you or give you suggestions for every little thing.

We have been lectured on how stupid our decision is to have our baby in the hospital as opposed to a bathtub in our house. We've been told how stupid our decision would be if we DID have the baby in a bathtub. We've been told how stupid our decision is to have a doctor and not a midwife, and we've been told how stupid a midwife would be. We've been told to go to the hospital for things which we really don't need to spend time/money at the hospital. We've been told about how perfect others' children are, and how we need to do exactly the same things they did, whether doctors think it's good advice or not. We've been given advice on gestational diabetes- from people who have never dealt with it.

Granted, some of the info that we've been given has been FANTASTIC. But after being told that we disagree/are not interested/don't care/don't ever want to talk about it again, and it still is a conversation point, it's a problem.

Will other women tell me the truth about their experiences?
"I loved being pregnant. Every minute of it. I could spend my whole life being pregnant!" If someone says anything like these phrases, RUN. Inevitably, when you start sharing things that you don't love, they will admit that they hated those parts, too. However, it IS fun to crush them a la Phoebe/Ross/evolution. When they admit that pregnancy wasn't as great as they remember, the look on their face is priceless.

How will others react to my weight gain?Lauren showed IMMEDIATELY. The week we found out she was pregnant, somebody noticed and asked. We shared much earlier than we had planned, because it was getting obvious that she had something to hide, wearing big hoodies outdoors in June/July. However, after a few months, the growth slowed way down. By the time she was 6 months, she was still looking like most women do at 3-4 months when they're barely showing. Until she hit the 8 month mark, she still looked like she was about 5 months along.

Some people have said things along the lines of "are you sure you're pregnant?" and "are you sure you're really that far along?" And several women have asked her for her secret and told her how unfair it is that she's not huge like they were. Many hinted that something was wrong. If the doctor isn't concerned, why are you?

Will people respect my privacy?We decided early on that if we couldn't keep the pregnancy a secret, we'd at least keep the name a secret. We've known the name since the week before we found out the gender. We had a boy name ready to go, and a backup boy name as well. But ever since we got married, we could NOT agree on a girl name. We finally agreed on one with perfect timing. Luckily, she seems to fit the personality of the name, so we're pretty sure it won't change when we see her.

We made the mistake of sharing our boy names before we were even pregnant, and some people made snide comments about them. Because of that, we didn't want to share our girl name until she was born, so nobody would be rude enough to tell us that they don't like the name to the baby's face.

We didn't realize that we broke a cardinal rule by choosing not to share. People get offended if you tell them you're not sharing. They get even more offended when you reject their offer on the grounds that they "won't tell anyone" and knowing that you can "trust" them.

Will the doctors and nurses I see be upfront with me?
Doctors/nurses etc. overuse the phrase "I don't mean to panic you…" and its variations. This is code for "you should be concerned." I prefer honesty. "This is a cause of concern, so let's deal with it."

Will this all end when the pregnancy is over?
Fat chance.